Lorraine’s story - The model

Being one of six children from a broken home made life pretty difficult sometimes. Money was always tight, so we didn’t get much in the way of toys and clothes, and precious little affection. But the worse part was the rows at home. The screams and crashes terrified us. Some nights I lay shaking in bed while my stepfather took his frustration out on my mum downstairs. The next morning she’d have a black eye and swollen face, which she would try to hide from everybody with heavy make-up. When he finally left, after ten years, we had some peace.

Maybe it was the violence at home that turned me into a bully at school, or maybe it was the determination to control my own life and never end up like my mum that did it, who knows? Whatever reason lay behind my behaviour, I certainly worked hard at getting my own way. By the time I got to fifteen I had become unmanageable, stealing clothes and make-up to go out to night-clubs and staggering in at 3am, too tired to get up for school the next day.

I was short on self-motivation to study for exams and decided I could get along without them. So I left that period of my life with no qualifications, just a hazy dream to find excitement, love and happiness out in the world. Some think I was brave when at sixteen I met a friend, bought a one-way ticket to Spain and left just weeks later with hardly a backward glance at my mum, waving me off. I had no job to go to but was thrilled with the adventure all the same.

After a few weeks I became a nanny to two children from a wealthy family and stayed for the summer, dancing and drinking at night, sunbathing and sleeping it off the next day while the children played together on the beach. The bravado didn’t last very long, much to my surprise I really missed home and looked forward to the occasional letters I received from my family. When I got back they all seemed pleased to see me, I had presents for everyone, and felt like a celebrity. Having tasted the good life, though, I wanted more.

For a little while I got by as an office Temp but the monotony stifled me, so I began doing the odd promotion, demonstrating jewellery in department stores and mixing with a glamourous crowd who seemed to know what life was all about - looking good, going to flash places and being noticed. I was beginning to think I had got a smile which opened doors for me and knew I’d never be happy till I’d seen how the other half lived. The world seemed to have so much to offer and exciting opportunities began to open up for me.

A photographer from one of the local papers encouraged me to try modelling. After doing a six week course with a Birmingham agency, I walked taller, my confidence was growing and I thought life was really getting exciting. One of my first jobs was at the NEC, the Motor Show. I could see it all, me draped across a shiny sports car, wind-machine blowing my hair, flash bulbs going off, clips of me on television in the evenings maybe... but the bubble burst when on my first day I was given a sweat-shirt and huge bunch of leaflets to give out! I wouldn’t have minded so much if it was promoting a glamourous Lambourgini or something but there wasn’t even a car on my stand... I was advertising brake-pads!

It wasn’t long before I was travelling to London, where I modelled designerwear for buyers in the West End. Fashion and style had always interested me and when I was booked to model a line of silks at the London Collections, I was so proud of myself. At last I could see a measure of success in my life. I couldn’t believe it when I got the flu on my first day there and groaned my way through the long days on my feet. Then someone offered me some cocaine, promising instant relief if I just sniffed it once. True enough, the symptoms disappeared for a little while, then returned with added tiredness - until I had another hit... and my introduction to drugs had been made.

A Japanese agent offered me a lucrative contract in Tokyo and I gave up my flat in no time at all so I could leave immediately. It involved a lot of photographic work, early morning magazine shoots in the city, extravagant sets in the studios, handsome male models to team up with and lots of money. In the evenings I went out with other models to sophisticated clubs and was treated like royalty - free drinks all night and huge trays of fruit brought to the table for our enjoyment.

Even though I saw my face on the front cover of a magazine and all over other publications, I still felt like a hungry outsider reaching for something just out of my grasp. It wasn’t enough. After four months I returned to London where I moved in with two other girls who grew marijuana as a hobby.

Sometimes the endless rounds of interviews got me down, and the scruffy photographic studios didn’t quite measure up, but I told myself I had a great life and everyone I knew back home envied me. Then I’d light up a joint, get a bottle of wine, and blot out my problems, forget the loneliness, the catty remarks and competition and get smashed.

On a visit to California one summer, still on a quest for fulfilment and happiness, I fell in love with the lifestyle, so I stayed. I left everything I owned in London and instead, Hollywood, Beverly Hills, and Malibu became home for me.

I had ups and downs, and eventually discovered after three years, that it doesn’t matter where you are, you are still the same person. And if that’s who you’re running from you will never get away. I took my emptiness with me wherever I went.

Glittering parties, gorgeous sunsets, clothes, drugs, speedboat rides and limousine cruises couldn’t fill the hole inside me. Money slipped through my fingers like water, relationships never lasted. Try as I may, I just couldn’t find peace and security. And, as for love, I was becoming desperate for someone to really love me and be faithful. Me.

If only they knew how disillusioned and broken I was inside. I’m sure there were many more like me all over the world, drawn like moths to the bright lights and ending up burned out on momentary thrills. And then one day everything changed. A guy I knew had some problems and he told me his sister, Shanley, was a Christian and that Jesus could help him. So he wanted to give him a try and go to church with her that weekend. It all sounded fascinating but totally unlikely to me. I asked if I could come along and watch what happened.

It was a beautiful sunny morning in May when we went to the church, and after the service I was given a booklet explaining the gospel and stuff about Jesus. Then off we went to Shanley’s house for brunch where everyone talked about spiritual things, and how much God loved us.

I’d never heard talk like this before and wondered if it could possibly be true. I fired one question after another at them. “Well, if God loves us why doesn’t he feed the starving people in the world?” I asked. The simple answer intrigued me. “God has made enough food on this planet to feed everyone, we just need to do our part and share it out.” someone told me.

“Well, why doesn’t God make us do that? Why allow everyone to go around doing such wicked things to each other?” The answer was a revelation to me. “Because God didn’t want to make a race of robots. He wanted to make real people who he could have a relationship with. People with a free-will, so we can make our own decisions and choices, and he hopes we will choose to know him, and learn to love him.”

I was interested. But the next thing I heard changed my life forever. “Do you know that God wants to be more than just your creator? He wants to be your Father. He wants to be involved in your life, to help you, protect you, bless you. He loves you so much.”

It was an awesome thought - God loves ME!? And he wants to be my Father!? Wow! I went home with a lightness in my heart.

Next day I was sunbathing at home as I read through the booklet and learned how I was a rebel against the King of all creation, and that Judgment Day would be too late to change my ways. It said that Jesus came to set me free from my punishment. That’s why he died on the cross - to purchase my freedom. And, if I accepted it, I could make my peace with God and become part of his family. His home in heaven would become mine too, because he would be my heavenly Father. So not only would I have his love and protection right now but my eternal future would be secure too. I needed to make a decision. I could sense God’s presence as I thought about my dilemma.

When I came to the end of the booklet there was a prayer and I think I can claim to have made one of the fastest responses to the gospel ever! It all made perfect sense to me. I dashed indoors to pray. As I knelt there on the floor, it seemed as if God held up a mirror to show me what I looked like on the inside, what I had become over the years, and it was not a pretty sight.

Lies, jealousy, anger, unforgiveness, these things were staining my soul. Instead of beauty there was the ugliness of my unfaithful heart and distorted character. I had been used, abused and done the same to others. I had no morals left to lose. No wonder I felt dirty in God’s sight. I wept with shame.

Then suddenly, I experienced a cleansing flow which left me feeling fresh and clean. I felt like I had been given another chance. I was twenty-five years old and suddenly felt like a newborn baby. And then the most wonderful thing of all happened. I could sense God telling me he loved me - that I was his child. It was as if he was giving me the biggest hug you can imagine, his love overwhelmed me. I went to bed and slept like a baby in my father’s arms.

The next morning I got up and he was still there. Life was suddenly unbelievably fantastic! I sang and laughed and found a compassion and love for others where there was little or none before. Someone gave me a Bible and one day I read John chapter three, “You must be born-again...” “So that’s what has happened to me!” I laughed to myself, “I’m one of those religious types you meet on the street who give out leaflets!”

I couldn’t wait to tell everyone I knew that Jesus was alive and well, and Christians were NOT weird at all, just ordinary people like me, who had found out what life was all about.

California had made a mess of me but our God is mighty, and he knows how to turn a mess into a message. By the end of the summer I was back in Wolverhampton. Discipline was a new thing for me but I learned that through obedience I could become like Jesus, and as the beauty of Christ began to shine through me, people were drawn to him.

I shared my story whenever I got the opportunity, soon some of my family became Christians. It was remarkable how my mum changed, the peace she had found at last was written all over her face. Although I now lived at home, had settled into a good job and joined a lively church, I still felt lonely at times, until God answered my prayer for a husband.

In a moment of true faith born of desperation, I told my mum there was no need to search him out, that God could bring Mr Right into my life easily, even to my front door if he wanted to. Prayers get answered when God is ready, and he is always on time, never late. Waiting served to prepare me, though.

Finally, maybe a year later, I was introduced to a very special man named Paul Poulton on a blind date. We fell in love and in prayer a few months later I was amazed when God showed me, “There’s your Mr Right, all the way to the front door, just as you asked.” It really touched me to think that God planned it out for me in that special way to show he cared about my faith in him. But after many months of courtship, Paul told me that before we think about marriage he needed to let me know that he was unable to have children, and he showed two letters from specialists who said there was no hope at all. It was a devastating blow to me, I said I needed to think about it, and we parted that night uncertain of our future together.

It was God’s words to my spirit about Paul being the right one for me which helped me to stay focused and we got married two years later. As time went on we were so happy together, I knew I’d made the right decision. Paul is a singer and musician, and I became his agent. We travelled together and I often shared my story at churches all over the country. Sometimes I told people how we were praying for a baby, knowing it could only happen if God intervened with a miracle, and that’s just what he did! When our Heavenly Father blessed us with a child seven years later Paul and I laughed and cried and watched amazed at the beautiful miracle we held in our arms, born on a wonderful day in July 1996. We named him Isaac. Now we were a family.

In my search for happiness I couldn’t understand why I only found disappointments, until I discovered I was looking in all the wrong places. Happiness isn’t found in wealth and possessions, no matter how beautiful and glamourous they may be. You can’t find it in a successful career, travelling the world, or in looking good and hanging out with the “in crowd”. True happiness and fulfilment is only found in having a relationship with God.

When he comes into our lives he brings everything that we’ve been looking for: love, peace, contentment, and meaning to life. He gives us our purpose for living and a secure future. Under his protection and guidance we can become the best that we can be, regardless of how we start in life. After all, it isn’t how you start that’s important, it’s how you finish that counts.